Friday, March 30, 2007
To those who left comments on my last posting....
Thanks for the encouragement and prayers guys! I was having one of those hormonal days at the time I wrote that post. It is still a big struggle but it was looking worse than reality at the time. I was able to talk to a teacher that works with special needs kids and got some advice on how to redirect some behaviours and she told me it is ok and probably beneficial to cut down his work load. Hopefully we can work something out.
Monday, March 26, 2007
I am not a teacher.
I am so overwhelmed right now.I do not have teaching skills. What was I thinking when I agreed to homeschool the kids? I have been struggling so hard this past week yet I have no alternative. Private school is too expensive and Jerek doesn't want to do public school at all.Honestly, one of my kids is difficult to teach anything. He has a stubborn streak to no end and If i say to do something it is not going to happen. Would he do this to a teacher at a real school? i feel I am making him dumber instead of teaching him how to do his school and the frustration that is building in me is hurting our relationship. I don't know what to do from here...
Monday, March 5, 2007
Who I am...
I went on a women's retreat with my church this past weekend. It was a lot of fun but I am exhausted this morning.I should have been less social and slept more.
Anyway, one of the ladies in the church did the teaching sessions. She spoke about who we are in Christ as women. She talked about the different things that satan uses to attack us to draw us away from God. The 4 main ways he uses are doubt,shame,fear and blame.
I spoke about some of my past which has really shaped me into who I am right now. I thought maybe those that did not go on the retreat may want to hear it too, so I am posting it here.
Almost three years ago, on May 29, 2004, my worst nightmare was realized. That day I learned God's sovereignty first hand.
At that time I had 4 little boys. Rustin , Jeshua , Kalin and Hayden. For those who don't know my story, Kalin and Hayden were twins. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with twins. It was scary and exciting and happy all at once. I had always had the dream of having twins and with each pregnancy I had hoped it would be so. God had given me my dream.
It was a lot of work having a 3-year-old, 18-month-old and twin babies. I had 3 in diapers and one recently potty trained.
Kalin was very colicky. He would cry all day and then he would sleep all night out of pure exhaustion. He had a hard time eating. He refused a bottle and would barely take the breast. He didn't gain weight as well as Hayden did but he was still a decent weight. I can't tell you how frustrating it is when you have a baby that is crying so hard and so often and you are powerless to fix it. I took him to the doctor all the time and of course he never cried there. The dr. was no help. He just said it is colic, go home and don't worry about it. Kalin would cry so hard, and arch his back so far, he was rolling from tummy to back at 3 weeks old when he weighed less than 5 pounds. He was 8 weeks premature and had little muscle tone. This was not a normal happening.
When the babies were about 6 months old we decided to buy a bigger house. It sort of just fell in our lap. The housing market went low and the interest rates dropped enough that we could get a markedly bigger house in a better location and not really have a bigger house payment. Things happened very fast. We fixed up a few things and made it look really nice. When we did put our house on the market, we got an offer on it the next day. We took the offer and then had to find a house we wanted to buy.We found a few but the market was so hot that we couldn't put in an offer fast enough. At our realtor's insistence, we finally took a look at one we had been passing over. It was a little too expensive, but it could work. We fell in love with the huge back yard and we really liked the floor plan. We decided to put in an offer. We offered lower than we expected them to accept, but they did. So now we were going to move in about a month. We had a lot of things to do in the mean time.
At this time we were involved in a church plant. We had meetings every week with food and a video followed by discussion. The plan was to grow that little group into a church congregation. We didn't get very many attendants though so the support was going to come to an end. We had all decided to fast and pray for 24 hours to really seek God's guidance. I remember praying that God would show himself to me in a real way. I don't think I expected to really see this happen.
I had never fasted before, but I was determined to stick with it to the end. By about 4 in the afternoon I had a terrible headache. I don't really know if it was from the fasting or what but it was bad. By 7 it was so bad that I contemplated going to the hospital. I fed the babies and went to bed. I left the dishes on the table from dinner and the packing undone. I couldn't do it. I have never had a headache like that in my life. It was worse than any pain I had ever felt.Including drug free childbirth. It totally paralyzed me from doing anything but lay in bed. Kalin was particularly fussy that night. He just cried and cried. No one could console him. I remember praying that God would make him go to sleep so I could sleep also. Jerek's Parents and brother came at like 8 or 9. They were going to stay and help us move in the next couple days. They camped out in the living room and dining room on the couch and extra mattress. We asked them not to sleep in the babies' room where the extra mattress usually was. They snore and the last time they slept in there, the babies hardly slept at all.
When Jerek came to bed, kalin was still crying. We were the cry it out type parents. He had been fed, he didn't have a dirty diaper, and he didn't need anything. He needed to sleep and so did we. He cried so often it didn't really seem like there was anything out of the ordinary going on. Normally, I would have rocked him or tried to nurse him. That night I was so out of it I didn't do anything. My head felt like it was going to burst open. And any noise made it worse. We put our earplugs in and prayed for it to get better.
At about 2:30 or 3 am I had a terrible dream. I dreamed I was in the middle of a war. Jerek and me were soldiers in the trenches. It was dark and there were bullets and rockets going off. As we got closer to the enemy troops we saw they had a hostage. The hostage was little Hayden and they were going to torture him terribly. I knew that he would be better off with Jesus, so I shot him in the head to save him from the torture. I never have violent dreams. This one frightened me awake. I got up and went to the door where the babies were sleeping. Kalin had quit crying a while ago. I started to turn the handle and then thought better of it. I didn't want to wake them up and start the crying all over again. My head still was pounding, so I took some more Tylenol and went back to bed. I don't know if that dream was prophetic, coincidence or what, but I have never had a dream like it before or since that night.
I woke next morning feeling much better. My headache was gone. The sun was shining in the window as Jerek and I talked about the exciting move we were going to make in the next day. Hayden started crying so I went in to get the babies for there morning feeding. When I got to the crib they shared I noticed that Kalin wasn't awake yet. This wasn't that odd. They could sleep through each other crying some times. Kalin was under the blanket and when I pulled it back he didn't look right. He was on his tummy and his face looked very pale. I touched his cheek to wake him, but he was like ice. I knew at that moment he was gone, but I panicked and screamed for Jerek to come help me. I have always felt like Jerek could fix almost anything. As irrational as it sounds today, it made perfect sense in my mind that he could fix this. We took him to our room and laid him on the bed. Jerek performed CPR even though it was too late. He had probably been gone a while. Jerek's brother called 911. I remember feeling like it was not me that was going through this,it couldn't be.It happens to other people but not me. It was so surreal. I cried out to God for a miracle and I screamed, but there were really no tears yet. I was numb. When the paramedics and police came it was like something you see on TV. The paramedics took one look and said, Sorry it is too late. When they left, the medical examiner did his thing while the police questioned everyone about the previous events. I honestly don't know what I said to the officer that talked to me. I remember thinking that it was horribly rude to be interrogating us at this time, but I know they have to do their job. The medical examiner ruled it SIDS. No answer to what went wrong, he was just gone.
We called our former pastor who was a good friend and told him what had happened. He and his wife came over right away. They loved on us and spoke words of encouragement. I remember Keven quoting some scriptures and the one that was the most encouraging at the time was from 2 Samuel 12:23 Where God punished David for committing adultery with Bathsheeba and then murdering her husband to have her as his own wife. David's child with Bathsheeba is struck ill and David fasts and prays for God to give him mercy and spare the child. When the child dies, he gets up and washes his face and eats. Then he worships God in the temple. The servants are perplexed by his behavior and ask him why he is no longer fasting and praying. He responds with the words that were so encouraging to me. He said"But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
These words may not sound encouraging at first, but as Keven explained to me it appears David is saying the child is now in Heaven. He says, "I will go to him." So I will see Kalin again someday. Just not here on earth. As difficult as that is, There is HOPE! It is not permanent. In fact, I will be with him for eternity. I just need to wait a few more years.
Somehow, God gave us peace like I have never felt. Even though my heart was shattered, I was able to see that God does have a plan. I may never know the why of it but I know who is in charge. I know that everything that happens to me is for a reason. I am now equipped with tools that can possibly help others who are hurting and grieving. I've grown a lot in my faith these past few years. I struggle with other issues in my walk with God, but one thing that God has shown me without a doubt is, He can help me through the most painful times I can imagine. He gave up his son too, only he gave his son to save the very people who sin against him everyday. people who would curse his name. I can't say I would give up any of my children, let alone if I only had one to give, for those who don't know me.For those who would treat me badly or not care about me. Romans 8:28 says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose.
He says ALL things. That means even the ones that bring pain and suffering.
I know the death of a child doesn't sound like it could ever be something good. It isn't, but through this I have been able to understand more deeply His sacrifice. He can take that experience and use me to impact people I may never have reached before.
He knows what it feels like on a much bigger scale. And he has given me so many things to be thankful for even in times like this.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about Kalin. It is so easy to fall into the "what if..." trap. I should have done something different. I should have held him; I should have fed him. Why me? What did I do wrong?etc. The only place that will take me is guilt and shame. God does not want these things for me. He wants me to trust him to give me what I need. Even when it doesn't make sense to me. He has allowed me to turn the "not-fairs" into "I am so blessed.He gave me 3, now 4 more beautiful babies. He gave me twins so my arms would not be empty. He is so gracious even in the pain. He gave me a wonderful supportive husband who even in his pain was there to comfort and hold me. He allowed the timing to be perfect.We moved just 1 day after Kalin's death so we would not have to deal with the painful situation of living where he died."
Jerek and I were there to hold each other up. We decided we were not going to let this tear us apart, so we prayed God would help us to give healing to each other. And He has answered that prayer.
I hope that others can see His strength and peace through me and be encouraged to carry on and rest in His arms. That is the most peaceful place I have ever experienced and it is right where he wants me.
1Peter 5:10 says And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
I know God is faithful in his promises as he has done this for me. I still grieve the loss and it still hurts tremendously, but God has given me a strength that I would never have had in a less painful situation.
Anyway, one of the ladies in the church did the teaching sessions. She spoke about who we are in Christ as women. She talked about the different things that satan uses to attack us to draw us away from God. The 4 main ways he uses are doubt,shame,fear and blame.
I spoke about some of my past which has really shaped me into who I am right now. I thought maybe those that did not go on the retreat may want to hear it too, so I am posting it here.
Almost three years ago, on May 29, 2004, my worst nightmare was realized. That day I learned God's sovereignty first hand.
At that time I had 4 little boys. Rustin , Jeshua , Kalin and Hayden. For those who don't know my story, Kalin and Hayden were twins. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with twins. It was scary and exciting and happy all at once. I had always had the dream of having twins and with each pregnancy I had hoped it would be so. God had given me my dream.
It was a lot of work having a 3-year-old, 18-month-old and twin babies. I had 3 in diapers and one recently potty trained.
Kalin was very colicky. He would cry all day and then he would sleep all night out of pure exhaustion. He had a hard time eating. He refused a bottle and would barely take the breast. He didn't gain weight as well as Hayden did but he was still a decent weight. I can't tell you how frustrating it is when you have a baby that is crying so hard and so often and you are powerless to fix it. I took him to the doctor all the time and of course he never cried there. The dr. was no help. He just said it is colic, go home and don't worry about it. Kalin would cry so hard, and arch his back so far, he was rolling from tummy to back at 3 weeks old when he weighed less than 5 pounds. He was 8 weeks premature and had little muscle tone. This was not a normal happening.
When the babies were about 6 months old we decided to buy a bigger house. It sort of just fell in our lap. The housing market went low and the interest rates dropped enough that we could get a markedly bigger house in a better location and not really have a bigger house payment. Things happened very fast. We fixed up a few things and made it look really nice. When we did put our house on the market, we got an offer on it the next day. We took the offer and then had to find a house we wanted to buy.We found a few but the market was so hot that we couldn't put in an offer fast enough. At our realtor's insistence, we finally took a look at one we had been passing over. It was a little too expensive, but it could work. We fell in love with the huge back yard and we really liked the floor plan. We decided to put in an offer. We offered lower than we expected them to accept, but they did. So now we were going to move in about a month. We had a lot of things to do in the mean time.
At this time we were involved in a church plant. We had meetings every week with food and a video followed by discussion. The plan was to grow that little group into a church congregation. We didn't get very many attendants though so the support was going to come to an end. We had all decided to fast and pray for 24 hours to really seek God's guidance. I remember praying that God would show himself to me in a real way. I don't think I expected to really see this happen.
I had never fasted before, but I was determined to stick with it to the end. By about 4 in the afternoon I had a terrible headache. I don't really know if it was from the fasting or what but it was bad. By 7 it was so bad that I contemplated going to the hospital. I fed the babies and went to bed. I left the dishes on the table from dinner and the packing undone. I couldn't do it. I have never had a headache like that in my life. It was worse than any pain I had ever felt.Including drug free childbirth. It totally paralyzed me from doing anything but lay in bed. Kalin was particularly fussy that night. He just cried and cried. No one could console him. I remember praying that God would make him go to sleep so I could sleep also. Jerek's Parents and brother came at like 8 or 9. They were going to stay and help us move in the next couple days. They camped out in the living room and dining room on the couch and extra mattress. We asked them not to sleep in the babies' room where the extra mattress usually was. They snore and the last time they slept in there, the babies hardly slept at all.
When Jerek came to bed, kalin was still crying. We were the cry it out type parents. He had been fed, he didn't have a dirty diaper, and he didn't need anything. He needed to sleep and so did we. He cried so often it didn't really seem like there was anything out of the ordinary going on. Normally, I would have rocked him or tried to nurse him. That night I was so out of it I didn't do anything. My head felt like it was going to burst open. And any noise made it worse. We put our earplugs in and prayed for it to get better.
At about 2:30 or 3 am I had a terrible dream. I dreamed I was in the middle of a war. Jerek and me were soldiers in the trenches. It was dark and there were bullets and rockets going off. As we got closer to the enemy troops we saw they had a hostage. The hostage was little Hayden and they were going to torture him terribly. I knew that he would be better off with Jesus, so I shot him in the head to save him from the torture. I never have violent dreams. This one frightened me awake. I got up and went to the door where the babies were sleeping. Kalin had quit crying a while ago. I started to turn the handle and then thought better of it. I didn't want to wake them up and start the crying all over again. My head still was pounding, so I took some more Tylenol and went back to bed. I don't know if that dream was prophetic, coincidence or what, but I have never had a dream like it before or since that night.
I woke next morning feeling much better. My headache was gone. The sun was shining in the window as Jerek and I talked about the exciting move we were going to make in the next day. Hayden started crying so I went in to get the babies for there morning feeding. When I got to the crib they shared I noticed that Kalin wasn't awake yet. This wasn't that odd. They could sleep through each other crying some times. Kalin was under the blanket and when I pulled it back he didn't look right. He was on his tummy and his face looked very pale. I touched his cheek to wake him, but he was like ice. I knew at that moment he was gone, but I panicked and screamed for Jerek to come help me. I have always felt like Jerek could fix almost anything. As irrational as it sounds today, it made perfect sense in my mind that he could fix this. We took him to our room and laid him on the bed. Jerek performed CPR even though it was too late. He had probably been gone a while. Jerek's brother called 911. I remember feeling like it was not me that was going through this,it couldn't be.It happens to other people but not me. It was so surreal. I cried out to God for a miracle and I screamed, but there were really no tears yet. I was numb. When the paramedics and police came it was like something you see on TV. The paramedics took one look and said, Sorry it is too late. When they left, the medical examiner did his thing while the police questioned everyone about the previous events. I honestly don't know what I said to the officer that talked to me. I remember thinking that it was horribly rude to be interrogating us at this time, but I know they have to do their job. The medical examiner ruled it SIDS. No answer to what went wrong, he was just gone.
We called our former pastor who was a good friend and told him what had happened. He and his wife came over right away. They loved on us and spoke words of encouragement. I remember Keven quoting some scriptures and the one that was the most encouraging at the time was from 2 Samuel 12:23 Where God punished David for committing adultery with Bathsheeba and then murdering her husband to have her as his own wife. David's child with Bathsheeba is struck ill and David fasts and prays for God to give him mercy and spare the child. When the child dies, he gets up and washes his face and eats. Then he worships God in the temple. The servants are perplexed by his behavior and ask him why he is no longer fasting and praying. He responds with the words that were so encouraging to me. He said"But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
These words may not sound encouraging at first, but as Keven explained to me it appears David is saying the child is now in Heaven. He says, "I will go to him." So I will see Kalin again someday. Just not here on earth. As difficult as that is, There is HOPE! It is not permanent. In fact, I will be with him for eternity. I just need to wait a few more years.
Somehow, God gave us peace like I have never felt. Even though my heart was shattered, I was able to see that God does have a plan. I may never know the why of it but I know who is in charge. I know that everything that happens to me is for a reason. I am now equipped with tools that can possibly help others who are hurting and grieving. I've grown a lot in my faith these past few years. I struggle with other issues in my walk with God, but one thing that God has shown me without a doubt is, He can help me through the most painful times I can imagine. He gave up his son too, only he gave his son to save the very people who sin against him everyday. people who would curse his name. I can't say I would give up any of my children, let alone if I only had one to give, for those who don't know me.For those who would treat me badly or not care about me. Romans 8:28 says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose.
He says ALL things. That means even the ones that bring pain and suffering.
I know the death of a child doesn't sound like it could ever be something good. It isn't, but through this I have been able to understand more deeply His sacrifice. He can take that experience and use me to impact people I may never have reached before.
He knows what it feels like on a much bigger scale. And he has given me so many things to be thankful for even in times like this.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about Kalin. It is so easy to fall into the "what if..." trap. I should have done something different. I should have held him; I should have fed him. Why me? What did I do wrong?etc. The only place that will take me is guilt and shame. God does not want these things for me. He wants me to trust him to give me what I need. Even when it doesn't make sense to me. He has allowed me to turn the "not-fairs" into "I am so blessed.He gave me 3, now 4 more beautiful babies. He gave me twins so my arms would not be empty. He is so gracious even in the pain. He gave me a wonderful supportive husband who even in his pain was there to comfort and hold me. He allowed the timing to be perfect.We moved just 1 day after Kalin's death so we would not have to deal with the painful situation of living where he died."
Jerek and I were there to hold each other up. We decided we were not going to let this tear us apart, so we prayed God would help us to give healing to each other. And He has answered that prayer.
I hope that others can see His strength and peace through me and be encouraged to carry on and rest in His arms. That is the most peaceful place I have ever experienced and it is right where he wants me.
1Peter 5:10 says And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
I know God is faithful in his promises as he has done this for me. I still grieve the loss and it still hurts tremendously, but God has given me a strength that I would never have had in a less painful situation.
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